Friday, January 25, 2013

Another sad post

(This is going to be a rambly post. I apologize in advance for this. 
I can promise you, if nothing else, that unless something unforeseeable happens that I don't really want to talk about, this will be the last "personal tragedy" entry you will get from me for quite a while.)

I have been very lucky in that I've reached age 37 before experiencing the loss of a close relative. Sure, I've seen quite a few acquaintances passing away, and a beloved pet; it hurt, of course, but the loss of my Granny less than 3 weeks ago - as prepared as I might have been to it on a rational level - was a blow of a totally different magnitude, and one I didn't care to experience again any time soon. 

Yet, once again, here I am, venting my feelings about a new bereavement in my family. 
My last surviving grandparent died today; she, too, had been ill for a while, and although her physical and mental decline was not as steep as my other Granny's, we knew it was bound to happen any time soon. Still, losing them both in less than a month feels weird - I've been so used to them, for lack of a better word, that it comes as something of a shock to be suddenly left with neither around the place (as for my Grandpas, the one on my mother's side passed away two years ago; my Dad's father died long before my birth.)

My two Grannies were as different as they could be. Whereas the other one had faced hardship in life, turning into a stubborn, practical, slightly cynical woman, this one had it relatively easy. Born into a bourgeois family, and married to a chemist later on, she never lacked the moolah, and was allowed instruction and a comfortable lifestyle. Despite this (maybe because of this) she had a tendency to see the world through rose-coloured glasses - if some fact of life was ugly, sad, icky, or simply inconsistent with her rather bigoted ideas, she simply refused to acknowledge its existence, and that was it. She had no opinions of her own, happily deferring them all to her husband; she never got a job, never tried earning her own living, never felt a need to assert herself in any way - to me, such a thing is unthinkable, but I realize she thought the same about me yearning for this sort of challenges precisely.

I was never as close to her as I was to my other Granny. It seems a mean thing to say now, and I'm feeling slightly guilty because of it, but it's still true and I won't lie about my feelings.
Still, she was part of my family and an important presence thoughout my life until now. From her I learned that people are different, and there are times when no amount of affection will coax them into seeing things the same way - but it's all right, because this is what makes the world an intersting place.
When all is said and done, I know she loved me (and my brother and my cousins), and I'm sorry she's gone. For real.

(OK, rant's over. Thanks for sticking with me, you unknown friend - because if you did, then you are. From now on it's "back to the yummy geeky fun" - pinkie swear!)

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